He stood in the balcony, eyes filled with tears and looked down at the beautiful woman,whom he loved more than any thing else in this world, walking away with her new found love in her arms. She turned and looked up at him and gave him the most beautiful smile as she waved good bye. His heart throbbed. He wanted to call out to her and say “Please don’t leave me! Don’t go, what will I do without you?! I need you !” But he was choked & no words came out of his lips, he was heart broken , his heart ached , while tears just kept rolling down his cheeks. This was the first time his heart was broken, the first time he felt real pain, the very first time he felt the intense feeling of jealousy , jealousy that left him with a feeling of silent rage, it was like a fire burning inside him which even his tears couldn’t put out, tormenting him,. His mind kept searching for an answer, how could she do this to him ! Leave him for some one who had just come into her life a few months ago, it was not fair, just not fair at all.He was jealous of the new love which she had in her life.Soon she was out of his sight. Then he yelled out, “I want her back, I can’t live without her! Please bring her back for me!” The ones around him tried to console him, that he shouldn’t worry, they told him she’d be back very soon, that she really loved him. All their consoling and trying to comfort him just didn’t work. He sobbed till there were no more tears left, and he fell asleep when he was totally exhausted.
The year 1957, the month December, I was hardly a little over 2 years old at the time. The beautiful woman, my mother, was leaving with my little baby brother in her arms, he must have been about 5 - 6 months old at that time. She was leaving me for the first time, and that too for a few days, to go to Cal ( Calcutta ,now Kolkata ) for some Christmas shopping . But how can a 2 year old’s heart understand all this, all the pain? The fear & all those tears and most of all this burning rage & jealousy I experienced towards my little brother? YES THAT’S ME, I WAS THE JEALOUS ONE.
This is one of most poignant memories I have of my childhood which I can still recall, it’s almost 54 years since this happened but its still very vivid, and real. I can see my mother, the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, there's no one like her in this whole universe.And I loved her and still love her till this day. But when ever I think of that particular day, I can still feel the pain, the heart-ache, the rage, the jealousy. I guess, I’m still the jealous one.
I'm the jealous one too...but in this case, the cause of jealousy is your writing :) Too good dad...Loved it...though I guessed who the jealous one was after reading some part of it, didn't I? I remember feeling the same rage and jealousy that you talk of here when 'ma went to Bhopal just those two times! I remember screaming my lungs out and crying like anything...But at least, she wasn't taking Appu with her and leaving me behind, so that's good, huh? :p
ReplyDeleteAnyway, really beautiful dad...many people relate to feelings like these, I think. I especially loved the last line...:)
Love you loads...waiting impatiently for more...can't wait to read what that mind of your's has been preoccupied with ;)
Wow! Very nicely narrated, Dada... even though I had heard this one straight from the horse's mouth earlier, the flow of words in this post outdoes that! Loved it!!
ReplyDeleteIt's fascinating how we remember certain happenings from our childhood so clearly... I have loadsa memories but I'm not sure which is the earliest :)
Coming back to the jealousy aspect, I didn't inherit much of it, but Sweety surely did! Same applies to the stubbornness that you both exhibit :p
It's wonderful following yours and Sweety's blogs... somehow get the feeling I should revive my blogging habit too!!
Keep posting! Loads of love!
Thanx Smarty, do start again , you know I was a grate fan of your blogs, although I never wrote a comment.So I'll be looking out for you next blog.
ReplyDeleteTHANKS SWEETY ACTUALLY U ARE THE REASON & THE INSPIRATION I BECOME A BLOGGER, SO I'LL BE NEEDING YOUR HELP & ENCOURAGEMENT IN FUTURE TOO. STAND BY ME. LOVE YOU.
ReplyDeletewow !! That was some journey !! :)) Loved it totally .. Even though I sort of had a feeling that it might be some kid being jealous about a new borm sibling , I eagerly read further wondering who it might be .. I thought it might be Steve you were talkinh of ; so you can imagine my surprise .. The details of your memory astound me , afterall all the years.. But yes some memories remain etched forever !!
ReplyDeleteLovely narrative ...!! Waiting for more .. :)
Lovely one Johna. I must confess that when you mentioned the title of your blog , I was sure it is about me. I know I am a jealous person at times and I was feeling a bit apprehensive about your blog. But I knew whatever it will be I will enjoy it immensely (even if it were about me). Well, loved it. I can imagine you very well as the jealous elder bro and how you must have shown your temper( I have seen quite a bit??)
ReplyDeleteVery well written and yes I too remember vividly Mummy climbing in a rikshaw with a shopping bag in hand and calling out to me “Sudha, come, leave Stevie with Johnny, he will take care of him and let us girls go for an outing”. Though my memory of Mummy is of a later stage than yours, but I too miss her very much. I miss her love for life and her infectious laughter and her love for chocolates and cold drinks.I miss her presence physically in our life even if I know she is always with us, watching over us and making sure that we are safe and sound.
Your post triggered my memory of Peter too, I miss him too very much. He was like Eshwar to me and I do wish both the persons who loved me so much and whom I loved so much should leave me and go.
Johna, your posts do make me very emotional and you write beautifully, portray your emotions and feelings so well that it leaves me choked and take me back in times too. Loved it very much. Keep writing . Looking forward to your next post .
Sue
Yes Sue,I loved the way you've narrated the little things you remember of my Mum and brother, I really wish their were with us today.Something seems missing in life when the ones you love so much are not there to share it with you,but they live-on in our memories.All one has to do is close their eyes and think on them, and there they are with you,once again.
ReplyDeleteThanx Mystic, that was as far I could walk down memory lane, and even after all the years...it's crystal clear, especially the beautiful smiling face of my mother.I love her.I miss her.
ReplyDeleteMumma and Dada, I seem to have inherited Nana's love for chocolates and cold drinks :) I vaguely remember the visits to Bilaspur during Christmas vacations, and spending a wonderful time with Nana, Grandpa and everyone else... especially remember the "I'll buy you a biiiig car, what will you buy me?" games with Nana! :')
ReplyDeleteSomehow have vague memories of Uncle Peter too... distinctly remember spending time with him on the roof of Fantasia ages ago...
Sighs! A nostalgia wave has struck :)
Ohhh...I'm so jealous of you guys! Why didn't I get a chance to experience all this?! :(
ReplyDeleteunfair!
Hey Appi and Sweety,
ReplyDeleteYes, I know Appu, you have inherited Nana’s passion for chocolates, cold drinks and any kind of sweets be it Indian or cakes pastries etc. and you and Sweety both have inherited her love and jest for life also. You both know to enjoy life and its many different moods and you both enjoy lot of things. In short I can proudly say that you both are all rounders . Nana loved life and lived it to the full and never complained for one moment despite her suffering. She never once told me that she was in pain or down in the dumps. She was always laughing loud and enjoying the small little thing in life that brings us so much happiness I am very glad that you both have grown up to be such wonderful persons with vast interests in various fields and good human beings as well. Love u both loads Mumma
Yes Johna, I know how much you miss Mummy and Peter. I too wish that they were with us to enjoy the good times and see our kids grow into beautiful adults and how proud Mummy would have been of Appu and Sweety. Sometimes I do feel Sweety is a lot like her , you know. Looking forward to your next blog.
Sue
'ma you write so beautifully...why don't you join in? It'll complete the blogoholic family pic Appu talked about before...hmmm? Think about it please...
ReplyDelete@CJ- well said ... and uncle, just one word- awesome!Very very beautifully written! indeed, i am also the Jealous One. :D
ReplyDeleteIt seems Cathy is inspiring everybody. I am also gonna join this blogging world , very soon!
uv
THANKX YUVVI,WELCOME TO THE CLUB, HOPE YOU'LL BE JOINING VERY SOON.WAITING EAGERLY.
ReplyDeleteTHANX TO ALL YOU GUYS, BUT IT SEEMS NOT ONE OF YOU COMMENTED ABOUT OR GAVE A THOUGHT FOR THIS POOR JEALOUS ONE,MOST OF YOU ONLY SEEMED TO BE ADMIRING & REMEMBERING (SHE DESERVES ALL OF IT) THE BEAUTIFUL LADY ,WHO HAD BEAUTY,LOVE, DIGNITY& COURAGE , BUT MOST OF ALL,SHE HAD AN UNBEATABLE SPIRIT,AND ZEST FOR LIFE ,WHICH EVEN A KILLER LIKE CANCER COULD NOT DAMPEN ON KILL.
ReplyDeleteit was awesome attimber, wat else can i say.....this is not fair, i seem to get speechless after reading ur's and sweety's blog all the time...even b4 readin the blobs i start scrambling in my head 2 find the rite words and cum up with nothing..as i said, SPEECHLESS!!
ReplyDeletecant wait 4 more 2 cum.... :)
THANX GULZ, SO I HAVE ONE NEW FOLLOWER,GOOD GIRL!!
ReplyDeleteBE FREE TO TELL ME IF SOME THING DOESN'T GEL.I GUESS MY WRITING SKILLS WILL GET BETTER AS TIME PASSES , BUT TILL THEN JUST BEAR WITH ME. LOVE YOU KID.
so yeah...i had thought abt what to write abt ur poem "the jealous one" but while scrolling down for commenting i read all ur comments (or conversations? :P) and it got me...i dunno..am feeling weird..is this..am i emotionally overwhelmed now? NAH! not me ! :P
ReplyDeleteso, anyways, back to my commenting mood...peripa, this one is i think my favorite! its so true and i dont know if i relate to it or not...(maybe not, coz me and abhi have a very small age diff n i dont think that was enough for me to feel or know jealousy!)...but i KNOW WHAT U MEAN!! i think am a pretty jealous person, by nature!
good work! keep it coming! :D
shru :)
ps - i read all ur posts even though i didnt comment on each n everyone of them! :P